Lessons for Alchemists
by Ytak
Summary: A story in which people are teased, plots are hatched, and lessons are learned.
1. Part 1: In Which Roy Tests a Strategy

Part 1:  

**In Which Roy Test a Strategy**

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            Roy smirked as he looked down at Edward.

            "You know," Roy said smirking, "if you were female I would probably ask you out on a date.  You do possess the qualities that I find attractive in women." 

            "Erk!" said Edward as he froze with his mouth open.  He could hardly believe what he had heard Mustang say.

            "I like them with fiery tempers and blond hair," Roy said saddling up to Edward.

            Just them Hawkeye entered the office carrying some forms for the colonel to sign.  

            "UHH…gottagoivegotthenextmissiontotakecareof," Edward said having been broken out of his horrified trance by Hawkeye's presence.

            With the end of that rapidly delivered comment Edward shot out of the room like cannonball from a cannon.

            Hawkeye stared out the door with widened eyes and a slightly agape mouth.

            "What was that about, sir?" queried Hawkeye still looking over her shoulder at the dust trail left behind by Edward.

            Still smirking Roy leaned up against the desk and crossed his arms, "I believe I just found a very effective method for getting Fullmetal out of town to go take care of missions."

            "I see, sir," Hawkeye said arranging and straightening the papers on the desk, "whatever your strategy was it was obviously effective."      

            "Yes," he agreed.

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Disclaimer:  Doesn't belong to me.


	2. Part 2: In Which Edward Plans Revenge

You asked for it and so I am giving it to you, another chapter that is.  I wasn't even planning on writing another chapter, I intended it to be a one-shot, but now it seems to have taken on a life of its own.  I hope no one is OOC.

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Part 2:

**In Which Edward Plans Revenge**

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            "Qualities, I'll _give_ that bastard 'qualities'," muttered Edward for the umpteenth time.

            Or at least that was the way it seemed to Alphonse who had been hearing variation of this utterance the whole way to Lubbuton.  Poor Alphonse was very hesitant to inquire what was bothering his older brother.  But he finally decided that things would only get worse if he did not do anything about it right now.

            "Uhhh, brother?" said Alphonse.

            "What?" snapped Edward.

            "What is bothering you?"

            Edward looked up at Alphonse with a measured look.

            "Colonel Mustang again?"

            He received a grunt for an affirmative.

            Now, Alphonse is one of the nicest people you can meet but even nice people have their limits.  Well, Alphonse was getting sick of having his older brother upset all the time after visiting Mustang, otherwise he never would have said what he was about to say.

            "Why don't you get revenge?"

            Edward looked at his bother with surprise.  But the surprised look on his face soon turned into a devious one with a grin that slowly formed soon almost reaching from eye to eye.

            "Why, Al, that is a terrific idea," Edward said maliciously.

            Edward pulled out a pen and paper and began to scribble down ideas.  As the list progressed he began to laugh maniacally.

            "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

            The other passengers on the train looked at the young man nervously and scooted away from him.  Some of the mothers told their children not to talk to the crazy boy.

            Alphonse sweat dropped and laughed nervously wondering if he had just created a monster.

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Disclaimer:  Doesn't belong to me.


	3. Part 3: In Which Both Sides Play Their ...

Part 3:  

**In Which Both Sides Play Their Own Games**

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_Two weeks later_

            Edward walked into the headquarters where Colonel Mustang was stationed.  More than one person he walked by on his way was left wondering why Fullmetal was nervous.  No one could recall seeing him _nervous_ about visiting the Flame Alchemist, angry, yes, furious, yes, depressed even, but never nervous.

            Edward stood at the entrance of Mustang's office.  He was so excited about his plan that he could not shaking with excitement over the plan he had hatched.  Alphonse had told him that since he had cleared all emotion from his face his excitement looked like nervousness.  Well, this situation suited Edward just fine.

            That s.o.b. will think that I am still nervous from what he pulled two weeks ago, thought Edward maliciously, all the better for my plan.  Now I just need to stay in the nervous character mode.

            Knock, knock.

            "Come in," said the Flame Alchemist not bothering to look up from his papers.

            "Umm, here is the report for the Lubbuton mission," Roy heard a familiar voice say, after which he looked up.

            Hmmm, Fullmetal _knocked_ at the door and he isn't yelling at me, pondered Roy, Ah HA!  

            Roy smirked and leaned back in his chair, "Why don't you tell me about it?"

            Did he _wink_ at me? thought Edward, that was definitely a verbal wink.  That bastard.  He won't know what hit him.

            Roy watched Fullmetal look everywhere but at him.

            Good, he's nervous, thought Roy, but I think I can make this situation get even better.

            "Why don't you come stand next to me?" asked Roy.

            HA!  He _does_ think I'm nervous but now maybe I can find it.

            Edward moved 'nervously' next to Roy while continuing to look around 'nervously.'

            Ah HA! thought Edward, there it is.  

            "I'm sorry, sir, but my brother and I have found a possible lead and I need to go get ready for the journey," Edward said quickly, after which he shot from the room.  Unnoticed by Roy, Edward had taken something from the Flame Alchemist's desk.

            Once down the hall a little way Edward slowed down and grinned evilly. 

            "Ha HA!  He didn't even notice," cackled Edward as he gently tossed the little black book of Roy's from hand to hand.

            With this, I can put my plan into action, Edward thought while wearing the smile of a predator about to go in for the kill.

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This was going to be the last chapter but it was getting long so I decided to divide it up.  Lubbuton is named in tribute to where I live.  It is not the exact name but very similar to it.  Try and guess where I live. ^__^

My thanks to my friend Kyandisu for beta reading.  

Disclaimer:  Doesn't belong to me.


	4. Part 4: In Which Roy Learns a Valuable ...

This is the last part to my first FMA story.  Forgive me for the delay.  I've been busy with school.  I will write more stories if I get any ideas.  

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_Lessons for Alchemists_

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Part 4:  

**In Which ****Roy**** Learns a Valuable Lesson**

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_Three days later_

            Roy leaned up against the lamppost waiting for the first date he had had since Fullmetal had come back three days ago.

            Humph, thought Roy with a slight frown marring his handsome face, _this _time Fullmetal created enough paperwork to choke a horse.

            But then a smile crept onto his face as he continued to think, however, he _did_ seem rather anxious to leave.

            "ROY MUSTANG!!!!!" a screamed perturbed female voice.

            Roy nearly jumped out of boots for women do not scream at him, at least not in the street (now in the bed is another story).

            Veronica, yes, that was her name, he had been on a date with her about a week ago, came stomping up to him.

            "SO, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?" she screamed and slapped him hard on the face, and then she turned on a heel and marched off.

            Roy stood stock still holding his red check with a gloved hand.  

            "What was that about?" he murmured.

            "I'll tell you what that was about!  You are a two timing swine," he heard spoken angrily behind him.

            He turned to see his date from five days ago.

            "You said that I was the only girl for you," and she slapped him hard on the other check.

            His date for the night, Melissa, seemed to appear out of thin air on his right.

            "You've been dating more than one woman at the same time?  Well, we've had enough.  You are never going to get another date in this town, again, mister."

            Both women turned as one and walked off in clouds of womanly fury.

            Roy stood there alone under the lamp wondering what had hit him, figuratively and literally.

            While trying to figure out what was going on, Roy did not really hear the very happy and _bouncy_ male voice approaching from behind him, "Roy, darling, you sly old military dog."

            However, he remained consciously unaware of the approaching figure until he was tackled to the ground by a flying glomp².

            Twisting and turning in an effort to free himself from the friendly but aggressive advances of his attacker he snapped, "Who are you?  GET OFF ME!"

            When Roy finally managed to work his way, sufficiently, out of the embraces of his 'attacker' he found himself looking into the face of the city's most open gay man.

            Because the colonel had been rather preoccupied for the past few minutes, he had failed to notice the flash of a camera.

            This lack of attention would prove to be very embarrassing and infuriating because the person behind the camera was none other than Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist.

            Through the course of events, Edward had been struggling to keep from laughing aloud or saying anything but after watching the Flame Alchemist struggle with the friendly advances he had to speak up.

            "Good evening, colonel," Edward said with a grin growing on his face, "since I was not aware of your preferences until a few weeks ago, I felt I had to make it up to you," he said with the grin now threatening to split his face.

            "I'm afraid I don't swing that way, so, I have set you up with another like minded individual," turning and waving good bye Edward threw back a few more words, "once again, have a good evening.  Oh, and you won't have to worry about having those women chasing after you anymore or thinking of you as a two timing swine only.  As of tomorrow, all will have been dually told your preferences."

            "FULLMETAL!" Roy yelled at Edward's retreating back unable to do much else because he was once again entrapped within friendly embraces.

            Now, Edward would not have been so calm about leaving like that but he was leaving town because he had a tip about the Philosopher's Stone.

            I just need to drop this film off, Edward thought maliciously, and by the time I'm back in town these photos will be all over the place.

            The only other question that remains to be answered is whether Roy Mustang will ever get a date with a woman in this city again.

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_Moral of the story:  Roy Mustang should not even pretend to hit on the Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal can't take the joke._

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            ² I recommend reading Glomping 101 by Shimegami-chan.

            I wasn't sure what Ed was planning until I wrote this chapter.  Then he let me into his master plan.  He won't let me see the rest of his ideas.  He tells me that he is saving them.

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Disclaimer:  Doesn't belong to me.


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